For most of my life, I have hidden who I am. Doing life through a veneer of confidence when in fact, on the inside, I’ve struggled a lot.
I had the epiphany a few years back that ‘no one really knows me’ (apart from my husband and dearest friend). I remember using this as ammunition in arguments that they just don’t get me, or they don’t even know where I stand in this world. But then with a lot of self-reflection, I see that the reason for that was that I’ve hidden, from everyone.
Why would I do this? Lots of fear of not being accepted for who I truly am.
For me, after a lot of soul healing, I now know it stems from not being safe to be ‘me’ as a child. I don’t think for a second, that my parents meant to impact me in this way, they were just shaping me into being a good girl; a respectful, hard-working, good person.
We are the product of the environment we grow up in. Every single one of us. This includes our parents. They too were shaped this way, which also means the way they parent. This part of our programming was out of our hands.
Revisiting who we are and why we react to life the way we do, is common in adulthood. For me, this has been essential to my surviving mental illness and addictions. I’ve needed to understand why I have experienced the world the way I have.
I have huge emotions and always have done. But I was born into a family with smaller, more even emotions and I guess my outbursts were too much. If I were angry, I was told ‘no one likes a grumpy person’, therefore learning that I couldn’t express my anger, ever. The way this transpired was as an explosion of RAGE once or twice a year. It wasn’t pretty. I completely lost my shit and destroyed relationships with this outrage.
If I shared my deep feelings of sadness about anything, I was shut down, being told ‘I’m too sensitive’. So, I learnt that people don’t want to know about my feelings. This one kept me holding everything inside. I’m certain this contributed to my mental illness, like bottled up darkness, stuck in my head with no escape.
I was described by people that I’m like a ‘bull at a gate’. Meaning my drive and focus on something when I decide I want to do it, is like a raging bull, trying to annihilate the gate. Which in all honesty is not hugely uplifting.
My healing journey has uncovered these aspects of myself and I now see them as my superpowers. I have exceptional communication skills to express my deepest feelings.
If I feel annoyed about something, I can articulate this at the level of irritation, when it’s a 1 or 2 out of 10; not a raging, off the scale 11.
My sensitivity gives me the glorious advantage of feeling deeply. Yes, sometimes this means I feel hurt and sadness intensely, but I also feel joy and love with uber vibrance. I’m utterly blessed with this superpower.
And as for my bull-at-a-gate style, this is actually my driver. I’m a highly motivated person. I am self-driven. I have focus. I can do anything I set my sights on. What a fabulous power to be bestowed.
I’m a deeply expressive, focused, wonder woman!
Gone are the days of feeling like I’m too much. Because hell yes, I will be too much for some people. I know that they’re not my people. I’ve discovered that sharing my light, attracts others with similar light, and this is a beautiful place to be.
I’m oozing with gratitude, towards the women in my life who have inspired me to be me. My sisters, who are in Brene’s proverbial arena, with me. Thank you.
I am enough, a thousand times enough, to be completely me.